She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
