dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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