she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
