the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I pour the whiskey from now on
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize