We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
