I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
