Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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