Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize