Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
