idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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