sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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