just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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