I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
