Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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