sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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