I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
