You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
