How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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