just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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