I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
