11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
