my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
