my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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