The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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