i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
