It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize