I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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