i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
