Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
