The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
