Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
