Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
