I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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