Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
