Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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