the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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