the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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