Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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