he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
