Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize