OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
