dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
