how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
