Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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