The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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