I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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