Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
