Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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