I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think people are normalizing furries
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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