i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
