I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
