I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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