I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
