i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Floor bacon is actually really good
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
