every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have fence marks all over my body
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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