I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
