I think I died a long time ago.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
