Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i think i have two assholes
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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