Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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