do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
