Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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