I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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